Jokes & Humour

A tourist stopped at a local restaurant for dinner following a day spent roaming around in Spain with his wife.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good; the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Señor, you have excellent taste. Those are called Cojones de Toro, testicles from the bull fight this afternoon. After the bull fight, we are allowed to harvest the sweet breads.”

The tourist said, “What the heck, bring me an order.” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each afternoon. But if you want to place an order now, we can serve you this delicacy tomorrow evening.”

The next evening, the tourist and his wife returned and he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter over and said, “Hey, these are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Wife: “Where the hell have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon.”

Husband: “I’m so sorry Honey….but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife: “I want the truth, and I want it NOW!”

Husband: “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the Clubhouse. I hopped into the car and would have been here by 12 noon but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer. She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I’m in her room…clothes are flying…the talking stopped, and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth… You got it.

Wife “Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn’t you?”

A couple is at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona, awaiting their flight dressed in heavy boots, long parka, scarf, mittens, and ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, “Look at that couple. I wonder where they’re from?”

He replies, “How would I know?”

She answers, “You could go ask them.”

He says, “I really don’t care. You want to know, you ask them.”

So, she walks over to them and asks,” Excuse me. I’m noticing the way you’re dressed and wonder where you’re from?”

The Canadian farmer replies, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

She returns to her husband who asks, “So, where are they from?”

She replies, “I don’t know. They don’t speak English!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir,” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on this god’s earth are dey for??” enquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Mercedes thinks of everything!”

New Clubs

Carl and Dave were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when Dave noticed that Carl got a new set of clubs.

Dave asked Carl how he liked the clubs and if they’ve helped his game.

Carl replied, “Oh yeah, they’re great clubs! They’ve added at least 25 yards to my slices, about 30 yards to my hooks and you would be surprised at the size of my divots!”

The True Rules Of Golf

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.